It’s February 2022, and you just woke up in Zanzibar. A beautiful island in the Indian ocean right off the coast of mainland Tanzania. It’s 36°c outside, the water feels like a hot tub, and the ocean breeze makes the climate very welcoming. Don’t get me started talking about the food… Essentially the place is as close to paradise on earth as you can get.
However, you didn’t leave your hotel room today. Nor did you yesterday or the day before. Everything in life requires energy. As humans, we are smart enough to know how to get most of our limited resources. Most things we do need some form of effort; we do them because the rewards typically offset the cost. That way, most of our actions are net positive for us. In fact, we usually get upset if they aren’t. The same applies to travelling. You get up early, take public transport to an airport, wait in lines for hours, don’t sleep the night and get to the target destination all sweaty and gross. Once you’ve arrived, you keep sacrificing rest to explore a foreign place and try to gain as many new experiences as possible. All that requires a lot of energy. However, you are typically more than happy to take on the stress and discomfort caused by travelling because it is one of the most exciting things you can do. All the excitement and happiness you feel when going on adventures and meeting incredible people make up for the inconvenience and lack of sleep. So much so that many people consider travelling their favourite source of happiness and method to recharge. Now, why would you not leave the hotel room?
Suppose you take away every positive experience you would gain from travelling? All that is left is an inconvenience. Even worse, though, you start wondering what’s wrong with you. You enjoyed travelling so much in the past. In fact, you boarded over 20 flights in 2021; even the pandemic couldn’t hold you back. So what’s stopping you now?
After most of the day has passed, and the cleaning lady knocks for the 10th time asking why she can’t come in, you get your act together and leave the room. Now, where do you go? To the beach bar, obviously.
The beach bar is the only place where you will get peace of mind. You don’t have to be a neuroscientist to figure out that numbing the pain by abusing a depressant probably won’t do you any good. Running a 10k and meditating on the beach would probably do the trick, but you can only take so much pain, no matter how strong you think you are. So after a few drinks, you go to the Soundscapes festival on Paje beach. The only thing that will give you the feeling of being alive today. Soundscapes Zanzi is a beautiful festival right on Paje beach, the hotspot on the east coast of the island and a hub for digital nomads. During the day, people do Yoga, enjoy fantastic food and connect with other travel enthusiasts. The lineup is strong; you can hear the hypnotic organic house bass from a mile away, and as the sun sets, the music gets louder and the grooves heavier.
You are an extrovert at the core but connecting with the strangers you meet seems to take everything out of you. There would be an easy fix, but you know that artificially increasing your dopamine levels will cause more pain tomorrow. However, you welcome any escape from the emptiness and pain inside you. After all, a little party never killed nobody. For some time, your problems disappear, the music hugs you, and you dance in the moonlight. True happiness. Is it, though? It’s 5:30am now, and you’re coming down. You feel exhausted, and everyone around you is high as a kite and encourages you to stay for the sunrise.
You leave anyway and get a cab back to the hotel. You tip the driver well; you gave him $15 instead of the $5 you owe. That was your last failed attempt to feel happy, or anything for that matter. After you get home, you sit on the bed looking at your IG story replies, “Damn, bro! This looks so sick”, “Hearteye emoji”, or “You’re living the life!”. You sit back for a moment and think, “if they only knew what’s really going on”. Social media allows people to portray themselves in whatever light they choose. You put on a mask and show off your lifestyle, looks, daddy’s money, etc… I’ve certainly been guilty of that in the past, but I’m growing tired of it. It’s fake, empty and meaningless. Besides that, no one really cares anyway. I still want to acknowledge that it might be smart to play the social game, but there will be a separate post about that. Anyway, back to the story…
At 6am, the feelings of pain and emptiness are almost unbearable. Fueled by the knowledge that tomorrow will be an even worse ride through hell.
Deep down, your mind knows what it needs, at least subconsciously. However, acting upon it is another thing. Searching on the outside to fill a void inside won’t work. It can help you cope temporarily and even save some pain, but it’s a losing system and will lead to an even darker place. It takes courage to look within and face your demons. Many people never do. In fact, it’s rare to find individuals who look within their souls with brutal honesty. Understandably, because it fucking hurts. However, you owe yourself to discover the truth of who you are under all the trauma and pain. Have I found that truth? Absolutely not; I’m not even close, but I’m determined to show up every day. It’s a numbers game from there.
Some of us are blessed to have never experienced severe mental illness, and I am genuinely happy for these people. However, after a certain threshold, more pain does not equate to more learning; it simply hurts more. At the end of the day, you can never know who is hurting. I became a master at hiding, wearing that mask like a true social butterfly, and I’m convinced many people do the same. You can never assume, and you will never know what’s really going on. Even I tend to forget; that one hug or act of compassion can save a life. A life that is worth as much as yours.